@T_Bonezzz: Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway
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@AndyAsAdjective: I can't prove it, but from the sound of it, I'm pretty sure there's an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
@Vice_Queen: Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
@markleggett: Whenever a woman tells me that she just wants to have a good time and sleep with me, I say "You can only pick one."
@TheCatWhisprer: My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.