My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
You Might Also Like
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Who did it better?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?