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When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Just grow your own
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.