Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
You Might Also Like
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
[eulogy]
line?
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Worlds greatest photobomb
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on