Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
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to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.