Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
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Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
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“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.