Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
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[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
A dad and his duck
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..