Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
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It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Schrödinger’s cookie
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Close call…
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.