I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha