her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
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In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun