They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
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[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’