Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
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I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.