War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
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[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Stick it to the man
lol
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Best mom ever 😂
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5