Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
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The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer