Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
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I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
6. me as a lawyer
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Autocorrect completely socks
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.