“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
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I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Straight people are cancelled
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.