@Pirate_nurse: Thanks to this HUGE spider web I just walked into we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked
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@suzieQ0007: Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
@atthecubicle: Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn't attend.
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
@lecalabara: Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.