There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
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How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
My flabber has been gasted.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.