I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
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This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Support your local cemetery
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.