5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
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me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.