Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
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waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.