Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
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The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler