Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
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All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
and this one
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant