@johnalogue: Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
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@caperbc75: *nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup I'll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito? Patrons: HE'S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!
@_NTFG_: I'm not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new "selfie sticks" for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
@angibangie: [both kids on my lap] Me:This is so nice 5yo:Mommy your breath stinks. M: I carried you for 9 months! 4yo:Why didn't you use a stroller?