Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
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My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.