“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
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Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
it was a valiant fight
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad