[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
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Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
This will teach them to underestimate me
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.