[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
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Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Britain be like
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Was it something I said?