[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
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boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair