Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
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Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Not even remotely sorry.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?