Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
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[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle