@TimDuffy: Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
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@zachreinert03: Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought 'wow that's not safe' & at second glance thought 'wow that guy's on fire'
@daemonic3: My wife hates it when I say "You are just like your mother!" Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
@smickable: My mom is having a hysterectomy. This is like the time I moved away to college and she tore down my childhood bedroom.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What's the first step of fire safety? 4-year-old: Stay away from dragons. Me: 4: Me: Well, obviously.