@TimDuffy: Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
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@fatguythe: Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they've been getting along lately and there's nothing on tv tonight.
@crunchenhancer: My wife asked me: "What's the most risky, dangerous food you've ever eaten." Me: "wedding cake".
@mattsurely: When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means 'only married' like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
@T_N_Crumpets: Dentist: open Me: *opens* Dentist: wider Me: *opens more* Dentist: wider Me: *opens more* Dentist: that's it, now come in and take a seat