Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
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Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.