Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
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[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Happy weekend !
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
bad news gang
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.