@KenJennings: Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV's "Dinosaurs" were all different species of dinosaur
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@KKAlThani: Probably the worst time to ask "shouldn't we go on a date first?" is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.
@UNTRESOR: Dad, who's Daniel Day-Lewis? *Dad peers out the blinds* He could be anyone, son. *Mom starts weeping* He could be anyone.
@jaketapper: I'm trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
@geekysteven: "Why didn't any of you go back and kill Hitler?" TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935. "Who?" TT: Bingo