Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
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Oceanography is all about current events
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
This is amazing.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.