@KenJennings: Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV's "Dinosaurs" were all different species of dinosaur
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@Dawn_M_: If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
@iamdevinwagner: There is this absolutely gorgeous girl at my gym but I never know how to start a conversation with her without looking like the annoying dude trying to hit on her while she works out so I’m thinking tonight I’m gonna drop a weight on my foot and ask her to take me to the hospital
@AnkCoupleTO: Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room* Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don't work here M: *slips him a five* VI: Right away sir