Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
cyclists
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Denise please return my vape pen
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!