*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
You Might Also Like
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
S O O N
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.