Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
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Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*