I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
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me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
OH. COME. ON.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
For the ones in the back.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal