That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
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[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.