DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
You Might Also Like
Why am I like this?
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here