I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
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Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
this is the news I live for
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.