When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
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“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!