@rickkondell: That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

@silvertongue37: My ex wife recently told me I run away from my problems. Apparently not far enough.

@envydatropic: Blew my nose.......lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

@GrantTanaka: wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat] me: you must be bored af wife: no I'm not me: I was talking to the cat

@TheMichaelRock: It's cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can't even dress the kids properly.