@thatUPSdude: Doc: Now don't take these pain meds with alcohol. Me: Aren't you adorable.

@Sassafrantz: [Ghost Hunters] This ghost is a male, probably in his 40's -how'd u figure that out? He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up

@nthonyswan: Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

@Jake_Vig: Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There's nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

@jfrank50: The grass looks greener on the other side because it's fertilized with bullshit.