@_davidlucas_: An egg with 28 followers says I'm not funny. So if you need me, I'll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

@jus4golf: Helping a few people complete their bucket list so they will just die already.

@RandomlyMJ: My exes new girlfriend has been calling me looking for him for days. It got old. I gave in and sent her the map and shovel.

@sarcasticmommy4: I tried that whole "if you love something, set it free" thing but my kids are still here.

@9589smith: Son, I've made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences. How I tell my 5yo I'm off to poop