That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
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Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.