That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
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Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
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Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.