Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
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Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Based Erika
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.