That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
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I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!