That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
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“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.