People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
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According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
When you’re Kinky but poor
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it