@IamEnidColeslaw: That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.
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@jackie_ibbyxo: If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.
@curlycomedy: You're invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won't be any food.
@StevieKnip: [accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom] Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex? [every boy in the class checks their phone]
@daemonic3: ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins? KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins! ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it