@urgeekisshowing: That awkward moment when someone asks if you've dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
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@NatetheEnigma: Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
@nicfit75: Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
@KentWGraham: My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
@naderdagher: If he pauses a video game to text you, he's probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,