@urgeekisshowing: That awkward moment when someone asks if you've dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
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@TheCatWhisprer: We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
@donni: Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
@jonnysun: DAD: wat am i chopped liver CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil