That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
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4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
The Book. The Movie.