That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
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The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match